Trust in the Lord

Trust. One of my biggest struggles. I have never been good at trusting. I hold tight to my illusion of control and my way is the best. This, of course, leads to misery and hurts the people I love. Today I was listening to the Lighthouse Catholic Media CD on Trust from Fr. Tom Richter. A wonderful woman from my parish gave it to me when she heard I had miscarried in March. It was timely and God's intervention. I have listened to the CD four or five times. I try to get the message to sink in, and each time I listen, a piece of the message stays with me.

In the talk, Fr. Tom discusses the Gospel of St. Matthew where amid a storm Jesus walks on water and St. Peter joins him, only to sink in fear. This narrative stays with me in a very real way. I can see myself as St. Peter (in more ways than just doubt) seeing Christ and calling to Him to beckon me out onto the water. I watch Him as I step onto the turbulent sea and take a few steps, but then I notice the wind, the rain, lightening, and crashing waves. I feel the vortex of chaos raging around me that is this world and I begin to sink. I cannot seem to fix my gaze on Christ. Instead I focus on my desire to calm the storm myself. I desire to cure the suffering. I want to be in charge of it all. So what happens to me? The waves overtake me and I find myself drowning in a self imposed mess. The problem is, that unlike St. Peter, I have a tendency to just drown for a while. I only extend my hand out to Christ timidly and afraid.

I fear what God will do with my life if I give it over to Him. What will He do with me, my husband, and my daughter? What suffering lies ahead? How many more episodes of post-partum? How many more miscarriages? Death of loved ones and my own death? If I focus too much on these questions without the lens of Christ, I am lost. I sink. Some of these fears are inevitable and I have to believe that Christ will give me the grace to make it through these events when the time comes. He is not going to give me the grace to get through things that have not happened and may never happen. It has been painful, but I have weathered the storms. I can see the grace of God throughout my life when I look back. Why is it that I forget to see Him in the present? If he has gotten me this far, why do I still struggle to trust in Him? What have I done alone? Nothing. I cannot do it alone.

I must admit that I still struggle in my relationship with Christ. I see Him ever present in the Eucharist. I know Him when I kneel before the Tabernacle. My heart knows and trusts, but then the world comes rushing in. My husband wants me to focus on seeing God in my daily vocation. To focus on seeing Him in the dishes, laundry, and face of our daughter. To be grateful and thank God for the mundane. To take Him with me wherever I go. To know that He is with me. To offer all my tasks up for His Kingdom. My domestic monastery. I truly want to know Him, to desire Him.

I have to learn to take it day-by-day. This life is a marathon not a sprint and holiness does not just appear. It takes grace, practice, and dedication. I want to learn the Little Way. I know St. Therese would approve and is pouring out her prayers before the throne of God on my family's behalf. One other point from Fr. Tom's talk really stuck with me. He talks about Our Lady and her trust in God. He says, "What else could she do before the Cross? What else could she do but trust her Son?" This makes absolute sense. It is difficult to swallow, but when pain and suffering comes into my life, what else can I do? I have to trust in His love and mercy to weather the storms of life. God bless you all.