Reality Check

Okay, so here it goes: I do not have this whole mother and wife thing figured out. Between colds, flus, health scares, travel, and pregnancy I have been a bit of a blob lately. In my mind I make everything from scratch, find creative and amusing projects for my nearly 18 month old, my house is the epitome of organization, and I exercise regularly. The truth of the matter is that I have not been good at any of these items lately. The exhaustion and nausea/vomiting of pregnancy makes it even more of a struggle.

I don't know about you, but I read some of these Catholic mom blogs where they are creating paper mache in the real likeness of St. Therese, baking and cooking from scratch for every meal, and reading Scripture, praying the Rosary, Divine Office, going to daily Mass, and Divine Mercy collectively as a family, and I feel a bit like a failure. Whew! Some days I forget Lauds or Vespers, I have an alarm on my phone for Divine Mercy and still forget, and my husband and I are still working on that habit of a daily Rosary. It can get a bit overwhelming. I know that a lot of these moms have been married and mothers for a lot longer than me, but I want to admit that I am a new mom who is struggling with vices. We eat out too much, I still want coffee even though my stomach lining is mildly inflamed because of it, I spend too much time online, and you cannot see the floor of my office these days. I have plenty of time for prayer, baking, paper mache (okay...not really), and cleaning, but I get distracted or allow my tiredness to take over.

To be sure, this is not the woman who I want to be. However, if I look over my life I can see that God has changed me in big and small ways. It has been a journey and improvements are taking place in my life daily. I pray more every time I drive by the cemetery near our home, I make an honest effort to pray Lauds and Vespers each day, I try to help us live more liturgically, and I try to make daily Mass at least once a week. Being pregnant creates an extra burden on my family. I tend to get really sick and tired. Right now I only throw up once a day, which is a blessing, but I am exhausted and have to work really hard to motivate myself. I find that I just need to set a couple of goals a day, so that I can achieve something good for my family.

I do not know what will come in the days ahead. Right now I am only 4 weeks pregnant and already am exhausted and throwing up every day at 4pm. It may stay that way or it may get really bad again like it was with my daughter. For now I need to focus on taking things one day at a time and try not to beat myself up constantly. I am a long way from sainthood, but God is working daily in my life. He will work even more if I let him.

God has given me a beautiful daughter to stay with me and keep me company during this pregnancy while my husband works hard to support us. In fact, today as I threw up, my daughter hugged my leg and laughed at me. It made me laugh. It took away the misery and I can honestly say brought me joy. And, yes, I thanked God for getting sick once again. Have a very blessed weekend!