Our daughter turned 1 yesterday. It is very hard to believe. Where did the time go? All of my parent friends have said that you wake up one day and your baby is a teenager. I am starting to believe them. As usual, she taught me a great deal on this first birthday of hers. First, that being a perfectionist can destroy occasions. Yes, I admit it. I am a perfectionist. I want the decorations to be perfect, the cake to be amazing, the pictures to be just so, and the list goes on. I have a tendency to get caught up in these "important" things and then I miss out on all of the fun. I had to check myself last night.
She is 1. She does not care that I am still learning how to decorate a cake. Her cupcake from a local bakery was my decorating practice before I make her a birthday cake for her party with friends of ours this coming Sunday. It did not turn out as I would have liked. But, it did tell me what I did not want to do with her cake. She thought the cupcake was fabulous. It was squishy, sweet, and oh so tasty. Why was I obsessing over nothing? She ate part of it and played with it. What more could I possibly want?
I have discovered that toddlers do not make great photography models. They move constantly, avoid the camera, and no longer smile when mommy and daddy make funny faces. There is no getting the perfect shot with a one year-old. I had to stop getting frustrated because she was acting her age. The pictures that I got are exactly what I need to remember a special day in her life. There is no sense getting frustrated at my husband over things that I cannot control. The story of my life!!!!
Her birthday has also taught me that the joys of this life are tinged with sadness. They are bittersweet. They are reminders that we are not home. We are given "pleasant inns", to quote C.S. Lewis, to remind us of this fact. Her birthday came and went like the wind. Time continues on at breakneck speed and all I can do is hold on for dear life. I cannot cling to those moments, like this one. I have to let go. Release my grip and let grace have its way in our lives. We are not in a static universe. The only way that I can keep up and keep my sanity, is to pay attention to the little moments and thank God for each one.
After the candle was blown out, the cake smeared all over, and the paper torn, I sat beside my daughter as she played in the bathtub. The evening sun was flowing through the window and I sat in that moment. Aware of everything around me. I was grateful. Time "stopped" briefly, so that I could breathe and enjoy my daughter, the sunshine, and peace. I definitely see what Ann Voskamp means in her book One Thousand Gifts and her wonderful website www.aholyexperience.com. She is a woman after my own heart and one who struggles like I do. I must savor the small moments or my life will continue to be one big blur.
I decided that I will write my daughter a letter on each of her birthdays and put them in a keepsake box for her. On her 18th birthday, I will give them to her. I originally was going to journal, but that has turned more therapeutic for me and dealing with post-partum. I think the letters are a better idea anyhow.
So here I sit, in the gold of morning. Watching my one year-old eat her breakfast. I am excited to start the adventure of her second year with her. She has given me so much. She has blessed my husband and me in countless ways. Let's just hope that I can remember these lessons as I get ready for her birthday party with our friends on Sunday. The cake does not have to be perfect......
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