If you were to catch me on a tired day, you may think that I don't care for motherhood. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but let's be honest here, women cannot be the pristine example of motherhood every day. We are in a Fallen state and we must work hard to follow Mary's example (Happy Feast Day of Our Lady of Carmel--if you have never heard of or worn a scapular check it out by doing a search online). I fail miserably quite frequently. Motherhood requires me to put myself last, or in the current numbers game, God, my husband, my daughter, and me (in theory). Does it usually work this way? No. I usually struggle to put me first, my daughter second, my husband third, and God last. I want to do what I want do do, dang it! This struggle of mine becomes increasingly more obvious to me when I go to Mass, a meeting for a ministry I am a member of, when I want to sleep, blog, visit with friends, or when I just want to read a book. In fact my daughter is at my leg, hitting me so that I will pick her up for the umpteenth time in the last 30 minutes. So, what did I do? I picked her up for a minute, sat with her on the floor, and now I am back to blogging. I am still learning this dying to self thing.
For this blog I will use Mass and ministry as examples. My husband and I refuse to take our daughter to the daycare our parish offers during Mass. Daycare during Mass?! What a foreign concept for both of us. When we were kids the options were: the crying room, the last couple of pews, or you sat perfectly still in whatever pew your parents selected or you felt the wrath of dad. Our parish does not have a crying room and even if it did, we would not go in. Unfortunately, it usually is parents who are letting their kids run freely and they talk all through Mass. Not all, but most, in my experience. The back pews are the same way. So, why then are we so against the daycare? I am sure that the daycare system works great for some families. It gives parents a chance to pay attention more fully during Mass. That is great. My husband and I, however, subscribe to the belief that our daughter is a part of the Mystical Body of Christ. She is a baptized member and should receive the grace of Mass even though she is not old enough to comprehend what is happening. She also has to learn how to sit still in Mass. Of course, this is within reason according to her age. She is just under one, which means that she is not going to last a full hour sitting quietly on our laps. We have to take turns standing in back with her or standing in the commons.
The closer our daughter gets to Toddlerdom the harder it is for my husband and me to pay attention throughout Mass. Our priest gives great homilies, so I must confess that I get a bit impatient because I cannot give my full attention. My husband and I take turns, so we each get to hear a part of the Mass and, of course, receive the Eucharist. I am also starting to look over the readings before Mass starts so that I am not totally lost. That way when my daughter is pulling my shirt down because she wants to nurse, I have some concept of the readings. It is my job, as well as my husband's, to teach our daughter how to love being a Catholic. Christ seems to be using our vocation to teach us how to be patient and how to put our daughter before our own wants, even if it is a good reason, like wanting to hear the Homily. To be honest, our daughter is very well behaved. She usually sits or stands quietly for the first half of Mass. She does not scream, but she will occasionally cry or whine.
I have noticed the tell tale signs of the impending toddler years because she is more vocal and has taken to screaming at me on occasion. Like right now.....and I am back. Perhaps you are embarrassed or worried that your child is a nuisance to others, maybe someone has made a nasty comment to you, or you thought the priest shot you a dirty look. If your child is screaming bloody murder it is time to take a moment outside of the Sanctuary. If your child just whines and squirms, there is no need to be embarrassed. They are doing what a child does at that age. Ignore the comments and chances are, your priest did not throw you a dirty look (I am sure it has happened before). As new parents, we tend to be way more sensitive and in tune with a false perception of reality when it comes to our child during Mass. Priests want your child to be a life long Catholic from the moment of Baptism until their end on this earth. If it is easier for you to take your young child to daycare, then do it, but don't do it because you feel ashamed.
Another thing that I have learned, is that you can take your child with you to events, especially Catholic events. We are the Church of life. We love babies. Some people may not be happy about it, but without being uncharitable, who cares?! It has happened to us and when I was very very new to motherhood and exhausted, I tended to take it personally. There is no need. If you want to attend a talk, class, rosary, daily Mass, family night, etc. go do it. You need to get out. You need to be with your fellow Christians. The worst thing that I can do is isolate myself and the same goes for you. Yes, it can be a struggle and you will probably miss half of whatever is going on. Just being there will bless you abundantly. Regardless of our American rugged individualism, Christians are not an isolated people. We are called to come together.
This morning I had a Sanctity of Life Committee meeting in which I am one of the leaders. Being a stay-at-home mom, my daughter goes with me everywhere. I was pretty tired from a night of little sleep (she has 6 to 8 teeth coming in right now). It made me rather impatient. My daughter definitely was getting on my nerves with her squirming and wanting to be all over the place. I even said, "you're driving me nuts" a few times to her. The fact of the matter is that she is my primary responsibility. My ministries do not come before her or my husband. It can be difficult to remember this fact. I get caught up in the conversation or excited about our plans and when she wants me, I get annoyed. The women on our committee are amazing, devoted, and interesting. They all have been mothers for a heck of a lot longer than me and I learn a lot from listening to them. No matter how much I may want to focus entirely on them, my primary job is my daughter. I struggle with this constantly. It is that selfishness being ripped bit-by-bit out of me. And let me tell you, I kick and scream in the process.
Motherhood is a holy path. Christ uses our children to help us learn the virtues and to lead us to sainthood. Our children and our husbands teach us more about ourselves than we can possibly learn alone. They make us confront our pride and our impatience. They show us why we must, no matter how hard, put ourselves after them. I do not mean that we should never have time to recharge. In fact, that can be very detrimental to our vocation should we never take time out alone. Remember, Christ went out to pray alone because he too needed to replenish. We need some alone time in order to give back to them. Just remember, that our infants and toddlers are God's pruning shears and he is working great grace in our lives. God bless. P.S. Simcha Fisher over at the National Catholic Register not to be confused with the National catholyc Fishwrap (Fr. Z's coinage) ...Reporter wrote an excellent blog on mothers who are just learning to die to self. Here is the link: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child
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