Do you know what it is like to hope for two opposites? To hope for both outcomes at the same time? That is what miscarriage has done to me. To hope to be pregnant and not to be pregnant. I want more children. I want siblings for my daughter. I just don't want the anguish again. I don't want the dread and the knowing that my child is dead. I don't want to hear my doctor sympathetically tell me what I already know. I am still crying the tears of the last loss, Caleb Augustine. I still think about my first loss, Victoria Lynn.
A missed period for me is not missed. Not really. It is caused by hormones from nursing. I am "late" some months, but it is not because I am pregnant. No. I take a pregnancy test and it is negative. I stare at it for a few minutes. Both relief and disappointment set in. Relief of my fear. Disappointment because I want more children. True that I desperately need dental work done and X-rays. They cannot see me until the end of August. But, let's be honest. I am afraid.
Our culture likes to convince us that we can "plan parenthood" that we control the number and timing of children. What nonsense! Tell that to families struggling with infertility, miscarriage, and people who are not getting pregnant on their timetable. There is no guarantee that any of us will be parents. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, but there is no guarantee that there will be more children. I am deeply grateful that God has made me a mother. Whether I only have one child or more, I must be thankful for what God has given me.
My husband and I love Church teaching on human sexuality. We are big fans of Humanae Vitae and Theology of the Body. I know how to chart, but rarely do. Not to mention that the signs of fertility and nursing do not mix for me. We don't really need NFP at this point. There is not a reason for us to use it. But, it is still hard for me to be open to God's will. With all of this fear, I tend to shut down. Hoping and not hoping. Do you know what I mean?
Sometimes I read other Catholic women write about their 10 children and how they are always open to God's plan and I think good for you. Are you being honest? It is cynical of me to think, but knowing the pain of miscarriage and that a lot of these women have been through it, I have to wonder if it is as simple as they say. It is wonderful if the Spirit has worked so well in them that they can give it all up. I am still new on this journey and struggle with doubt. I need to hear that it is dang hard to accept God's will. It is a struggle and grace must do its work in me. At this point in time, I want to see that others are struggling and not that their lives are perfect. No one is perfect. Not because I want other people to suffer, but because I need to know that I am not alone. I am not meaning to be uncharitable. For me I have to ask myself, can I really be open to the possibility of losing another child? Deep down, the answer is yes, but the pain blocks my fiat. That is where I am today. I pray to be open to God's will in the future and that he will heal me.
For now I wait. Another month will pass and I will hope for two opposites, but each day the desire for a positive pregnancy test gets stronger, as God heals me. I cry cleansing tears and I dream of a brother or sister for my daughter that I can hold in my arms. With each dream, I get stronger and God gives me hope. At each Mass, I remember that my other two children are participating with us in the Heavenly Liturgy. It brings me peace knowing that they are with Perfect Love and got to avoid this veil of tears.
It IS dang hard to accept God's will sometimes. It absolutely is. And you are so right that it is His grace that must do the work, because I surely do not have it in my flesh to "consider it all joy when [I] encounter trials of various trials." I have found that it isn't that grace takes away the grief, it is that it makes it possible for me to trust Him in the midst. Possible. But sometimes I prefer to withhold my trust.
ReplyDeleteAll thanks to our God and Savior Jesus Christ, He is patient with me even when I am resisting Him. He is acquainted with grief, and He waits for me and does not let go of me.
I am persuaded that not a single one of God's people is free of this struggle to accept the hard things that He allows into our lives. Even Christ Himself battled in this way in the Garden of Gethsemane. That is a comfort to me.
And He does give me hope and joy in the midst of circumstances in which I cannot imagine my way to a happy ending. Things that are utterly out of my control. He is Good, and He wins. Sometimes that is all I know. And when I let it grace makes that enough for the moment. And then the next.
Praying all grace, peace, and love to you.
It has been a battle, but I am starting to be grateful for the work God is doing in me. I did not realize until I had a negative pregnancy test that I really am ready and want another child. Sure, it is still scary. In all actuality it is God who knows when Phil and I are ready for number two here on earth (two in Heaven). Two miscarriages is enough, but then again, it is not up to me. His grace is definitely working in my life, even when I can't see or feel it. The little joys definitely give us the courage to take a step or two forward. We need hope to go out on a limb. So, with a little trepidation, I move forward. God bless you, Dana.
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